


teach me gently how to breathe

by heybernia



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, apparently it's my fate to use all of the fluff plus something else tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 16:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13955133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heybernia/pseuds/heybernia
Summary: Phil's pretty sure there was a certain series of events that lead him to where he is now, flat on his back on Jér’s bed with Jér braced over him, Jér with a hand in Phil’s hair so he can tilt Phil to what angle he wants as he continues to lick into Phil’s mouth, opening him up and slipping inside, but Phil can’t remember exactly how they went.





	teach me gently how to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for a character experiencing a panic attack or at least something resembling one. if there's any other warnings needed, please tell me in the comments below.
> 
> the title is from shelter by the xx which is a good song, just not an appropriate one.
> 
> thanks to aimee for always being willing to read and be supportive of my writing <3

Phil's pretty sure there was a certain series of events that lead him to where he is now, flat on his back on Jér’s bed with Jér braced over him, Jér with a hand in Phil’s hair so he can tilt Phil to what angle he wants as he continues to lick into Phil’s mouth, opening him up and slipping inside, but Phil can’t remember exactly how they went.

There was something about a study date that might have had a certain emphasis on the date part of it when Jér asked him, the corners of his lips already turning up, and then Jér asking Phil to help him with something he was struggling on which ended up with Phil getting caught on Jér’s lashes and curls when he was supposed to be explaining the question and proceeding to get caught staring by Jér.

Again though, Phil can’t really remember. He’s too distracted, understandably he thinks, by the taste of Jér’s mouth, minty like his chewing gum, and the feel of Jér’s back shifting under his hands.

Jér's bed in his billet's isn’t particularly big so Jér’s mostly on top of Phil, but it's not like Phil is going to complain about that. This is Jér he’s making out with, who makes a small surprised noise when Phil rolls his hips up to meet him and swiftly returns the favour for Phil, and so Phil has negative complaints about the whole experience so far. He’d like to get more of it though just to confirm his opinion.

Somehow, Jér had managed to take Phil’s shirt off before they even made it to the bed, one second, they were kissing, and the next, Jér was dropping it onto the floor and caressing Phil’s skin with both of his hands, making Phil want more, want Jér's hands all over him.

Jér is still fully dressed though, in a huskies shirt and a pair of sweats, and that is way too many clothes. Phil is just about to ask if he can take them off and touch Jér's skin when Jér pulls off, still close enough that his lips brush Phil’s when he talks.

“Wait, let me--” Jér murmurs before giving him another peck, and going in for another proper kiss, biting at Phil’s lip and making him gasp before letting go again. “I want this to be good.” Jér says it with a smile that’s makes Phil go cross eyed trying to see it.

Jér lifts himself off Phil and off the bed, stands at the foot of it and starts to work on taking his clothes off. Phil bites his lip as Jér pulls his shirt over his head, exposing his solid shoulders and the defined line of his spine that Phil follows down until it disappears under the waistband of his sweats.

Phil wants this to be good too. Phil wants this to be so good because this is Jér, Jér who Phil adores in more ways than he can count, in more ways than he can name, Jér who makes Phil feel all sorts of warm and gooey feelings inside his chest.

Phil wants this to be good even though he’s never done something like this with a guy before. Wants this to be good even though he’s never done something like this with someone he likes as much as Jér. He likes everything about Jér, the lines of his face and his laugh, how hard he plays on the ice and how much he cares.

He cares about Jér so much just as his teammate and friend, never mind these other feelings Phil doesn’t how to name, and Phil really doesn’t want this to end badly because he doesn’t know what he would do if it did. How he would deal with it if this ended up ruining what they had. If Phil somehow ended up losing what he already had with Jér.

Phil tries to get a grip of the sheets to steady himself and to calm his spiraling thoughts but he can’t.

He can’t because his hands are shaking too much.

They’re trembling, his whole body is in fact, every single muscle is shaking, his entire insides feel like they’re trying to escape and are going to rip themselves apart to do it with his thundering heart at the center of it, and Phil doesn’t know when it started or how to get it to stop.

Jér turns around to face Phil then, smiling one of those eyes crinkling smiles and Phil has the hopeful thought that maybe the shaking isn’t as bad and as obvious as it seems. That’s quickly dashed when Jér’s smile disappears, replaced with knitted eyebrows. Jér immediately makes his way round the bed and reaches for Phil before pulling his hand back, though that lasts for only a moment before he reaches forward again to lightly touch Phil’s hair.

“Phil, hey, what’s wrong?” Jér asks, concern painted across his face and coating his voice, and Phil closes his eyes and tries to take in mouthfuls of air like he does when he has to talk in front of people but it doesn’t help, he still can’t stop the shaking and he can’t get the words out to explain why. They’re all sticking to the back of his throat, too dry to go anywhere.

Jér cups his cheek and leans in to give Phil a kiss, and Phil has to let go of where he’s attempting to bite through his bottom lip to return it. It’s one that’s mostly a press of lips, no urge to go any deeper. Jér’s hands have settled on his skin and it’s so obvious Phil’s shivering underneath them, they’re steady and strong, two things Phil very much is not right now.

Jér pulls back, and with his hand still on Phil’s cheek rubbing his cheekbone, asks gently, like he doesn’t want to spook Phil, “Do you not want to now? Because that’s okay. We can go back to kissing or we can just chill and cuddle or not cuddle, whatever you want to do.”

Phil shakes his head. He does want to, god, he wants Jér so bad. Too bad if he’s being honest, that’s probably part of the reason he’s like this.

Jér keeps his hand on Phil’s cheek for a few seconds, then pulls it off and moves away. Phil forces his eyes open to see Jér reaching down to pull up the blanket laying across the foot of the bed and bring it up so it’s covering Phil and hiding where his heart is trying to escape out of his chest.

Jér slides in next to him, shuffles around until he’s comfortable enough. Their bent knees are meeting in the middle, fitting together somewhat, and Jér’s leg hair is catching on Phil’s skin.

They’re not touching anywhere else really though. It would be easy for Phil to move away if he wanted to. He doesn’t, not at all. Not having Jér here beside him is one of the last things he wants but it’s nice to have the option.

Phil still has to fight the urge to pull the blanket up and hide underneath it away from Jér’s eyes. He does feel a little better now, less like every muscle in his body is about to snap, but there’s swirls of embarrassment mixing in with the nerves that make him want to act like this never happened. That's not possible though, not least because he doesn't think Jér's going to move until he knows Phil's okay.

“I’m sorry,” Phil mumbles into the top of the blanket, not looking at Jér and making eye contact with the basketball poster on his wall instead.

“It’s okay, Phil,” Jér tells him, genuine. “As long as you’re okay, that’s what matters.”

He reaches for Phil’s hand and he doesn’t say anything about how it’s still trembling, just holds it under the blanket. It’s nice, Jér’s hand is warm and fits around Phil’s pretty much perfectly.

“I just--” Phil tries, but he doesn’t have enough air for words. He takes in another breath and focuses on the feel of Jér’s hand, everywhere Jér's touching him. “I’ve never done this,” Phil admits quietly.

“Oh,” Jér says, like it just slips out. “That’s okay too,” he rushes to say, shifting a little closer. “Like, you were really good at kissing so you’ll be good at that too.”

“No, like, I mean-- I’ve never with a guy,” Phil says, face heating up.

“Oh,” Jér says again, drawing it out this time. “That makes more sense, I guess. That’s alright too though.” Jér’s voice is always the right sort of soft but it’s even more so now. Phil feels like every word is wrapping around him, another layer on top of the blanket.

Phil braves a look at Jér and feels his butterflies start to take flight at seeing Jér so close to him, looking at Phil with a soft smile on his face, lips still red and used from Phil’s mouth. “Well, I’ve had plenty of practice so I can show you the tricks of the gay sex trade, answer any and all questions and give you tips. Probably not actual dick tips though, we can save those for another day,” Jér says, and Phil laughs, a small, barely there thing, but it’s still enough to make Jér’s face light up.

It’s a lot that Jér is trying to make Phil feel better without any judgement. It seems to be working too, Phil is feeling steadier and more at ease then he did even just a few minutes ago.

However, it’s still hard to get the words he needs to out. Phil does manage eventually despite how embarrassed and vulnerable they make him feel. “I just wanted this to be good for you because I like you--I like you a lot.”

Jér opens his mouth and blinks a few times. “Phil,” Jér says, like he’s taken aback almost, and Phil probably did overstep the teammate hook-up boundary line and he’s going to have to get that trade out of Rouyn anyway.

“Oh, Phil,” Jér says again, voice quiet as if he doesn’t want to be overheard. “It was always going to be good for me.”

He moves in even closer and Phil turns onto his side to face him properly, their chests practically touching with every rise and fall. Jér studies Phil’s face, eyes looking around before they go back to gazing into Phil’s, bright with the light. “You see,” Jér says, moving his hand to lace their fingers together. “You’re you, and I don’t think you knew this somehow, but I like you a whole lot too. I like spending time with you and I like being with you, and that’s always good enough for me.”

Phil’s heart skips a beat or two in his chest but Phil doesn’t mind. It’s not like it’s trying to break out from behind his ribs, it’s just overwhelmed by what Jér said. Phil gets it, he is too.

“I like you a lot, too,” Phil repeats, this time in a whisper. Jér’s face is a few inches away from his and he’s just so clearly happy, it's falling off him in waves all because of Phil, that Phil has to close the distance and kiss him, anything to get a taste of it.

They stay under the blanket sharing kisses for a long while until they have to come up for air. They're still under the blanket when Phil turns over and Jér presses up behind him, slinging his arm over Phil’s waist and his leg over Phil’s, keeping his mouth against Phil’s nape as he talks softly about all sorts of different things.

Phil can’t remember what they are exactly, he’s too busy drifting off to sleep to take them in, but he makes sure to give Jér’s hand a squeeze before his eyes fall shut and his breaths even out.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading i hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> jer does actually really like basketball and he even got his brother zach into it as shown as by [this](https://www.nhl.com/penguins/news/getting-to-know-zach-lauzon/c-290236092). 
> 
> i'm on twitter [@attababehisch](https://twitter.com/attababehisch) so feel free to come chill, it's fun


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